Remembering How

It's been a week and a half since my Dad died.
I still haven't written about it in my journal or confronted it on my blog (until now), but I have been facing it on a daily basis when the clock strikes 6pm and work is no longer a distraction.

I'm not gonna lie, it sucks.
It's the weirdest, most horrible thing I have ever experienced; intermixed with an odd sense of peace and "ok-ness". It feels like I've lost 1/2 of myself to 1/2 of what created me, while knowing all along that I haven't lost any of me.

I haven't been feeling like socializing or facing anyone I know. Not that I don't want to see my friends (because I do!), or that I'm not grateful for all the love and support (because I am!), but I have misplaced the capacity to focus on their "problems" or issues at hand that. Things that, as the good friend I consistently am, I would usually discuss and advise upon. It all seems so trivial. Even though, to them, it's not. Even though, to me, it wouldn't be. But right now, it is.

Mostly, I don't want to face the look in their eyes or the thoughts I see behind them. Sorrow, pity, love, concern, empathy. Because instead of acknowledging and feeling them myself, I feel the need to comfort my friends instead. To be strong. To reassure them, to let them know that it'll be ok. And I can't do that when I myself don't know it.

Nothing is the same. I wonder daily if it will ever return to "normal" (or at least my version of "normal"), and mingled with that is a hope that it doesn't; because my perception and understanding is more clear now. Learning who and what is really important is priceless. Although a price was paid.

Somewhere in between Monday and Tuesday I forgot how to be excited, laugh hysterically, or split my lips apart in an all consuming smile. Somewhere in those 24hrs, those characteristics that defined me became foreign to me. I did not loose my ability to joke or be sarcastic, but I mostly did so as a coping mechanism which isn't nearly as fun!

Tonight was the first time I felt like getting out of the house. I was looking forward to seeing "Fast & Furious" with my friend Melissa long before any life altering things occurred and I decided I wasn't going to let them stop me. I wasn't at my bubbliest, but I was happy about getting out, seeing family for dinner, and then meeting up with Melissa.

At the concession stand, lost in thought, I glanced over at the line next to me and spotted one of my longest, dearest NYC friends. I waved to her and she came running over, thrilled to see me. She was gushing about not knowing where to start and having something amazing to tell me.

As a side note, she and I run side by side in the busy/busier race. Often we go a couple months without being in touch unless we run into each other--which is what usually happens and we have 5 minutes to talk as fast as we can and catch up.

I mentally prepared myself to smile on cue and issue congratulations for whatever job promotion or agency signing had occurred, and briefly wondered how I was going to tell her about my Dad.
Then she said: "This morning I found out I'M PREGNANT!!!"
I screamed, jumped up and down, and full on bear hug attacked her, forgetting any Candy, Popcorn, or Parental pre-occupation. My cheeks hurt from the odd sensation of stretching so widely, and I think a mere chuckle made my abs sore for a moment. It made my day, my week, my MONTH! I was (am) sooooooooo happy for her and sooooo excited to have a new NYC niece or nephew! I also score major bragging points for being the first person (aside from hubby) she has told. :)

As I soaked up these feelings of bliss I have missed so much and couldn't figure out how to get back, I finally remembered how.
LIFE.
LIFE is what we smile about and laugh about.
New LIFE, Old LIFE, Middle LIFE, even Loss of LIFE.
We smile, we laugh, we cry, we reminisce, we dream, we hope.
And somewhere along the way, we find our way back to the place before the Monday and Tuesday.