Acceptance is a funny thing. It can be a defense mechanism, a learning process, a way to grow, or a means of moving forward. For me it had become all of these things and, along the way, it had become a way to shut out the pain and accept the numbness.
As a New Year approached I wasn't looking forward to anything. I didn't have any goals or plans, and opted out of attending a close friend's big party to instead contentedly spend the last night of 2009 curled up in bed with Gardettos, Dinner Mints, and a movie. As the clock struck twelve I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing and can honestly say I was completely happy. If I could find happiness in such simplicity, and live my life capably in utter chaos, surely I could go it alone and be just fine. Yet my ability and my desire to do so were two completely different things. That is not what I truly wanted, and no amount of acceptance could change that.
For someone so optimistic about life and love for everyone else in the world, I decided it was not okay for me to be giving up on it for myself. I'm too happy by nature to be so unhappy. I had accepted that the things I wanted most may never happen, but that didn't mean my attitude towards hoping for them needed to change. What if I find love again when I'm ninety? What if Mr. Right comes knocking on my door with the coolest cane I've ever seen and a wheel-chair that seats two?! Would I say no? Doubtful. I'd be really pissed that it took that long, and probably have a heart attack from all the twitterpation, but if I survived I wouldn't slam the door in his face.
A girl can dream. And if those dreams come crashing down, a girl can cry. And if those tears don't do a thing except wash her face a little bit, a girl can eat a tub of ice cream. And if that tub of ice cream causes her to gain a couple pounds, a girl can embrace those new curves, put on a tight dress and flaunt it! And if by then her boobs are sagging down to her waist, a girl can get a push-up bra. Cause a girl needs to stay true to herself even when no one else can. Even when every dream she's ever had seems out of sight, out of mind, out of reach, and out of bounds, a girl needs to dream. Losing sight of those dreams put me in a place of sorrow and despair that I could barely refuse to let suck me under. This is me refusing. I choose to dream.
Choosing to dream and doing it are two different things. I had to put myself in believer rehab. Hello my name is Sarah and I'm an unbeliever. What do I do to become one again? Well that's where the twelve step program comes in! Though unlike most stepping stones, the stairway to believing is not so clear, I have no idea what all the steps are (or how long it'll take me to climb them), and there is yet to be a handbook. I figured the best place to start would be to put myself in places and stare into faces where love, reliability, respect and admiration dwell. If I could re-experience it through the eyes of others maybe one day it would reflect in my own again.
STEP 1: Find a Place Where Love Sparkles
I kicked off January 1, 2010 engagement ring shopping at Tiffany & Co. Talk about jumping in head first! The LAST thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by the silent but ear splitting screams of "This will never be me" running through my head as I shopped with my friend for her engagement ring. At the place where almost every girl dreams her ring will come from, no less. However, I needed to face the fear of the excitement I dread never being able to have. It turned out to be the best way for me to enter believe-hab and start my year. My friend found her perfect ring (though I am forbidden to show any pictures--illegally acquired but totally necessary!--until official announcements have been made) and she even tried on a few style choices for me, because no matter how jaded about love you are it is impossible not to get giddy inside Tiffany's. I couldn't help but laugh as we passed this case of necklaces.
If you're LDS, like me, you know that those initials have special meaning. They stand for "Choose the Right". Clearly we had chosen the right place to ring shop and start dreaming again.
Step 2: Start Fresh
With my lease up in February I began apartment hunting months in advance just to get an idea of what was out there and how the market was. I've always loved real estate, but real estate in NY gives living space a whole new meaning! It is one of my favorite things to explore here. One thing I do believe in is that when you see something that is supposed to be yours, you know it. As if recognizing it from a previous life or time in space. A kind of ownership deja vu. As if that dresser has residual shadows of pictures frames that once rested on top. Or that dog has walked with you and licked your face too many times to be outdone by memories somehow erased. I believe that child you hold for the first time finds peace and solace in your arms because they've been nestled there before. At least for me that is the case. I feel a pull deep within me towards that person, place, or thing and know that it (or he or she) is meant to have a place in my life at that time. This doesn't happen with everything or everyone, if it did I wouldn't have this faithless frustration, but it has multiple times in my life, with places, people, and lovers. When I stepped into what is now my new apartment, I knew I was home. That "knowing" triggered the memory of all the other times in my life I felt that feeling about people as well. Those times, since I was little, that I knew the second I met a guy that there would be history in our future. Or that time when a stray cat came bounding into our house early one morning and I called her by name without a second thought, as she wound in and out of my legs purring with a sense homecoming. She was the most beloved, devoted pet I ever had, and I am not a cat person. Even though stories have endings, dressers fall apart, and apartments are only temporary, they are some of my favorite places, faces and things! How ironic that I found a fresh start in a place that I immediately felt love for to begin the month that is largely focused on celebrating just that.
Step 3: Accept the Unexpected
I didn't / don't expect to find love, nor is that what I'm looking for, as part of this process. I'll gladly take it if that's what happens along the way, but the goal is to believe in it again so that I'll know it when I find it. Of course, as life goes, an unexpected thing happened. I started dating. I go on dates frequently enough, have crushes or flirtatious interests to regale my friends with, but at one point I went on six dates in one week which is reeeeaaaaallllyyyyy not the norm! It was quite the experience getting to know different people so close together, and of course the free meals, museum tickets and shows were nice too. ;) However, there was one person in particular that I wanted to see more of. I didn't have the feeling of "knowing" we'd have history. In fact I was very hesitant to go in that direction at all. What I did know was that I liked him. I just liked him. I liked his personality. I liked that he was real. I liked that he made me laugh. I liked that I didn't feel any pressure to fall in love, or jump in to something serious, but merely sensed a possibility of something that could be great. What I felt the most was the desire to fall in like, and the ability to do so. Falling in like isn't quite as scary as falling in love, but it's still petrifying when you're not sure if like or love will ever fall on you. I've come to really like this person for who he is and how much fun we are together. I like spending time with him. I like not worrying about what we are or where it is going. I like the mutual attraction, a growing passion, butterflies, goosebumps and giddiness along with the pot holes and curves and things to work through. I like learning as I go, standing still long enough to think and feel, which is terrifying for me, instead of bolting from fear. I really like being liked back. I even like that I can't make a single prediction about what will happen between us, nor do I have any expectations. I like trying to figure out where the balance is between romantic puppy-love / first love feelings that sadly aren't enough, and the real love that runs deeper and sticks around when the going gets tough. Finding faith in love again means figuring out if I have the desire to search for it. Part of that search is falling in like first. It was completely unexpected but, over the course of the past month, happily accepted.
For the first time in longer than I even admit to myself, I didn't scoff in my head or mumble "b*ll sh*t". Instead I took a picture and made it my phone background. Step 4: Visual Reminders.
I kicked off January 1, 2010 engagement ring shopping at Tiffany & Co. Talk about jumping in head first! The LAST thing I wanted to do was be surrounded by the silent but ear splitting screams of "This will never be me" running through my head as I shopped with my friend for her engagement ring. At the place where almost every girl dreams her ring will come from, no less. However, I needed to face the fear of the excitement I dread never being able to have. It turned out to be the best way for me to enter believe-hab and start my year. My friend found her perfect ring (though I am forbidden to show any pictures--illegally acquired but totally necessary!--until official announcements have been made) and she even tried on a few style choices for me, because no matter how jaded about love you are it is impossible not to get giddy inside Tiffany's. I couldn't help but laugh as we passed this case of necklaces.
If you're LDS, like me, you know that those initials have special meaning. They stand for "Choose the Right". Clearly we had chosen the right place to ring shop and start dreaming again.Step 2: Start Fresh
With my lease up in February I began apartment hunting months in advance just to get an idea of what was out there and how the market was. I've always loved real estate, but real estate in NY gives living space a whole new meaning! It is one of my favorite things to explore here. One thing I do believe in is that when you see something that is supposed to be yours, you know it. As if recognizing it from a previous life or time in space. A kind of ownership deja vu. As if that dresser has residual shadows of pictures frames that once rested on top. Or that dog has walked with you and licked your face too many times to be outdone by memories somehow erased. I believe that child you hold for the first time finds peace and solace in your arms because they've been nestled there before. At least for me that is the case. I feel a pull deep within me towards that person, place, or thing and know that it (or he or she) is meant to have a place in my life at that time. This doesn't happen with everything or everyone, if it did I wouldn't have this faithless frustration, but it has multiple times in my life, with places, people, and lovers. When I stepped into what is now my new apartment, I knew I was home. That "knowing" triggered the memory of all the other times in my life I felt that feeling about people as well. Those times, since I was little, that I knew the second I met a guy that there would be history in our future. Or that time when a stray cat came bounding into our house early one morning and I called her by name without a second thought, as she wound in and out of my legs purring with a sense homecoming. She was the most beloved, devoted pet I ever had, and I am not a cat person. Even though stories have endings, dressers fall apart, and apartments are only temporary, they are some of my favorite places, faces and things! How ironic that I found a fresh start in a place that I immediately felt love for to begin the month that is largely focused on celebrating just that.
Step 3: Accept the Unexpected
I didn't / don't expect to find love, nor is that what I'm looking for, as part of this process. I'll gladly take it if that's what happens along the way, but the goal is to believe in it again so that I'll know it when I find it. Of course, as life goes, an unexpected thing happened. I started dating. I go on dates frequently enough, have crushes or flirtatious interests to regale my friends with, but at one point I went on six dates in one week which is reeeeaaaaallllyyyyy not the norm! It was quite the experience getting to know different people so close together, and of course the free meals, museum tickets and shows were nice too. ;) However, there was one person in particular that I wanted to see more of. I didn't have the feeling of "knowing" we'd have history. In fact I was very hesitant to go in that direction at all. What I did know was that I liked him. I just liked him. I liked his personality. I liked that he was real. I liked that he made me laugh. I liked that I didn't feel any pressure to fall in love, or jump in to something serious, but merely sensed a possibility of something that could be great. What I felt the most was the desire to fall in like, and the ability to do so. Falling in like isn't quite as scary as falling in love, but it's still petrifying when you're not sure if like or love will ever fall on you. I've come to really like this person for who he is and how much fun we are together. I like spending time with him. I like not worrying about what we are or where it is going. I like the mutual attraction, a growing passion, butterflies, goosebumps and giddiness along with the pot holes and curves and things to work through. I like learning as I go, standing still long enough to think and feel, which is terrifying for me, instead of bolting from fear. I really like being liked back. I even like that I can't make a single prediction about what will happen between us, nor do I have any expectations. I like trying to figure out where the balance is between romantic puppy-love / first love feelings that sadly aren't enough, and the real love that runs deeper and sticks around when the going gets tough. Finding faith in love again means figuring out if I have the desire to search for it. Part of that search is falling in like first. It was completely unexpected but, over the course of the past month, happily accepted.
The other day in my subway station some new graffiti decorated the tile walls:
For the first time in longer than I even admit to myself, I didn't scoff in my head or mumble "b*ll sh*t". Instead I took a picture and made it my phone background. Step 4: Visual Reminders.
2 comments:
I love you. That is all. Thank you for being part of my life.
I love you. And I love this.
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