Over the past few months we have watched and reflected on friends and families sleep training their children. Not merely getting them to sleep at night, but more importantly getting them to sleep in their own beds at night. I, being in the childcare business, have pretty strong but flexible opinions, both personal and professional, about how parents should handle the inevitable times when their door quietly creaks open at 2 a.m. and little pitter patters infringe on their sacred sleeping space. Tom, based on how he was raised and what he does and does not like or want on his sheets / in his sleeping area, has one singular opinion that cannot be rocked, swayed, changed, or persuaded.
Thus, I present you with The Case For Babies in the Bed.
Plaintiff: Sarah vs. Defendent: Tom
Fair Jury of our Peers: You!
Here's what I ("the plaintiff") think: I think children should be taught to sleep in their own beds. I think the consistency and routine they follow when they are sleep trained as babies to sleep through the night should also follow into the next phase of slumber changes when they get their own big girl / boy bed. It's completely natural for a child to want to wander out of a bed that no longer has bars on the side and see where they can go. Of course they usually wind up with Mom and Dad and of course once they've realized there is a bigger, comfier, cozier bed that could provide endless snuggles throughout the night they are not gonna wanna miss out! However, I don't think they should be allowed to crawl in and sleep the night away and I hope I can remain consistent when it comes my turn to get up at all hours of the night (repeatedly I'm sure) and put my child back in their own bed. Over and over. While they're screaming and crying. On this, Tom and I agree. Where we hit an impasse is in the morning, or when a child is sick. I think in the mornings, especially since kids tend to wake up way to early for my liking, the kids should be allowed to hop in bed and snuggle up. Thus allowing me a few extra z's and allowing them that coveted snuggle time. Which really is also a parent's coveted snuggle time because eventually they'll get older and barely even want to be in the same room as their parents, let alone in bed with them! It passes too quickly. That is what every parent tells me to remember and that is always how I feel when another birthday comes and I watch all the kids I've cared for grow in a flash. I think times when a child is sick, or has a nightmare, or if a parent is out of town and it's a "special" night, it's OK to allow them into bed. I don't agree with it being a habit, and I do think it's important for children to know that Mommy and Daddy have their own space, their own room, and their own bed and to learn to respect that. But really, what's the harm in family time on 500 count Egyptian Cotton?
Tom ("the defendant") thinks: Children should NEVER be in their parents bed. EVER. If they need to they can pull up a blanket and pillow next to the bed and sleep there, but they may not climb into bed. Period. If they're sick, a parent can sleep with the child in their bed or on the couch, but the kid is not allowed in the parent's bed. That's how he was raised (according to his memory--I have yet to question his mother or siblings on this so called fact) and he thinks that is the most appropriate way to set boundaries and teach children about sleeping in their own bed. While I understand the importance in wanting to distinguish Mommy / Daddy's private space, I say Good Luck with that pal! I think you will treasure those extra twenty minutes while your child lays next to you watching Dora the Explorer, or the sweet squeezes of a two year old fresh out of bed who just wants to love you and kiss you until you make her pancakes. You will learn how treasured it is that they come in to wake you every morning until the day they're too old to need / want to. Once they can make toaster waffles and watch cartoons without even bothering to check if you're awake, it's over mister.
The Settlement: One olive branch I'm trying to extend as a way to "settle out of court" is that, should we have kids together (cause for now this is just an argument we are thoroughly drawing out for no specific reason), they can come into our room in the morning and snuggle up with us until they hit age five. I figure then they'll begin to outgrow the desire to come get us anyway, and likely treasure the new found freedom of not having us peer over their shoulders as soon as they're awake, right? At least I did. An extra hour of cartoons without Mom ever knowing! Boo-yah!
What do you readers think? Maybe I need to be more understanding and on board with Tom's stricter opinions? What are your household rules about kids coming into your room in the middle of the night or early morning? Did you do something different as you had more kids or have you stuck to the same patterns with each? Do you walk them back to their rooms countless times if they come in at night? What is your bedtime routine / sleep training trick?
Feel free to add your two cents in a blog-comment or in the Formspring box on the upper right corner of this page.
(I am SO sorry for not replying to Formspring stuff yet--I'm way behind but I sooooo appreciate all the comments and questions that have been submitted! Thank you!!)
Tom ("the defendant") thinks: Children should NEVER be in their parents bed. EVER. If they need to they can pull up a blanket and pillow next to the bed and sleep there, but they may not climb into bed. Period. If they're sick, a parent can sleep with the child in their bed or on the couch, but the kid is not allowed in the parent's bed. That's how he was raised (according to his memory--I have yet to question his mother or siblings on this so called fact) and he thinks that is the most appropriate way to set boundaries and teach children about sleeping in their own bed. While I understand the importance in wanting to distinguish Mommy / Daddy's private space, I say Good Luck with that pal! I think you will treasure those extra twenty minutes while your child lays next to you watching Dora the Explorer, or the sweet squeezes of a two year old fresh out of bed who just wants to love you and kiss you until you make her pancakes. You will learn how treasured it is that they come in to wake you every morning until the day they're too old to need / want to. Once they can make toaster waffles and watch cartoons without even bothering to check if you're awake, it's over mister.
The Settlement: One olive branch I'm trying to extend as a way to "settle out of court" is that, should we have kids together (cause for now this is just an argument we are thoroughly drawing out for no specific reason), they can come into our room in the morning and snuggle up with us until they hit age five. I figure then they'll begin to outgrow the desire to come get us anyway, and likely treasure the new found freedom of not having us peer over their shoulders as soon as they're awake, right? At least I did. An extra hour of cartoons without Mom ever knowing! Boo-yah!
What do you readers think? Maybe I need to be more understanding and on board with Tom's stricter opinions? What are your household rules about kids coming into your room in the middle of the night or early morning? Did you do something different as you had more kids or have you stuck to the same patterns with each? Do you walk them back to their rooms countless times if they come in at night? What is your bedtime routine / sleep training trick?
Feel free to add your two cents in a blog-comment or in the Formspring box on the upper right corner of this page.
(I am SO sorry for not replying to Formspring stuff yet--I'm way behind but I sooooo appreciate all the comments and questions that have been submitted! Thank you!!)
10 comments:
Tho I can't speak from parenting experience YET, I have many fond memories as a kid of being in my parents' bed. And to be honest, when I'm home visiting, if I get a chance, I LOVE to go and snuggle in their bed, either next to my mom or dad, or even by myself. But anyway, back to childhood - I do remember going in on a Saturday morning, or while I was sick. Actually, if I was sick, that's really the only place I remember sleeping during the day. At night it was still always in my bed.
I vote Sarah on this one. Sorry Tom. I'm actually very against babies in the bed at nighttime. I have many cousins that have ended up with 3 or 4 kids in their bed EVERY NIGHT (still trying to figure out how there ended up being more than 1 kid in the family period.) I think it's unfair to all in that circumstance. But napping, post-regular-sleeping, and cuddling times I am ALL FOR! Good luck!
FROM BOBIAS PHOTOGRAPHY:
Ok as someone who has done both but LOVES to cuddle with her babies I am with you. Danny slept with us till he was 2. He was a horrible sleeper as a new baby & that was the only way I could get any sleep & it just ended up staying that way (it is VERY easy to start & then fall into a horrible habit when you are exhausted). BUT getting that boy out of our bed took years. It was one of the hardest & most heartbreaking things to do. The other 3 did NOT sleep with us. Mia sneaks into bed with us all the time but she ALWAYS starts off in her own bed & has never been afraid of the dark or being alone. She shared a room with the twins from 2-4 & I was worried when we moved her back she would be lonely/scared but you know Mia, she kicked people out of her room from the start :op
I am all for cuddling but NO NO NO NO NO. Sick & bad dreams (or a sneaky kid who is very good at sliding into your bed) aside keep them in their own bed. Up until about 2 years ago Danny was terrified to go to bed. I think getting Puck who sleeps with him every night is really the only reason we dont have problems anymore. He just has to have someone with him & I truly believe that is our fault. He never got use to sleeping alone & probably never will. I tell all new parents DON'T DO IT! Helen didn't listen to me & it took her a year+ (still working on it) to get Juliana to sleep in her own bed. Oh & it make naps impossible cause they wont sleep without you.
Can I just say that I love you two talking about babies though :o)
Love you.
Well I have a lot to say on this subject. I see where you are coming from Sarah, but I am sorry to say that I agree with Tom. I think that it is hard to say to a 2 or 3 year old, it is okay at this time but not at this. Does that make since? I think you have to be consistent because they do not understand the differences. I have trained all 3 of my children to sleep in their own beds from a very early age. My boys do wake up in the night and want to cuddle, but they want me in their bed. This allows my husband to still have a good night sleep, and it is on my terms, I can easily get out of their bed and leave when they fall back to sleep, it is harder to mobe a sleeping baby. As far as the early morning cuddles, this can easily be done on the couch. That is our morning routine, when the first kid wakes up I move to the couch and turn on the toons. I am usually able to get another 30 minutes of sleep out on the couch with them.
I have been a big fan of sleep training and I think with the twins and Brooke not far behindit has been a life saver. However I have found that there is a down side. The will only sleep in there cribs. I have never been able to transfer them, and if I wanted them to fall asleep somewhere else, no luck. Recently we stayed at a hotel and they were out of cribs, my 2 year old had to sleep in bed withus, it was a disaster. So although sleep training has worked for me I do see that there are benefits to being more casual about it.
FROM RHIANA: In the bed!!! But then...I've been single most of Kyle's life. I'm sure that's been a factor. It hasn't been a disruption of any sort, so he's been welcome anytime. I always put him to bed in his own room, but if he needs me, well, he needs me
FROM THERESA:
As a parent I am doing things differently than my parents did.
My babies were in our bed but each was booted out at different ages due to their readiness and bedhogging. They all made the transition into their toddler beds without much difficulty. We skipped the cages, oops, crib stage.
Now, sometimes my class is at night and others have hockey so if Pony is feeling out of sorts with no parent around- to facilitate things her brother can let her sleep in our bed. Together they read a book on the bed and she easily, happily falls asleep and then is transferred upon our return home.
Sometimes a child is sick and if they are going to be up often during the night it is easier to let the sick one in the bed while the parent that needs to sleep and be productive the next day switch beds and get proper sleep. We didn't always do it this way but learned that when the child is up often it really is tiring and to have the alarm go off when we are finally resting was awful.
My children know it is not their bed and feel it is an exception that they do not take advantage of it. It doesn't happen often, and they do grow out of the need soon enough.
(The other night Stephen(15) was sick so he got up, threw up and just headed back to bed. We only found out he was sick the next day. In my defence his bedroom and bathroom are on a different floor than mine).
FROM KATELYN:
I'm ok with it until as long as it doesn't get out of hand. Say for example the child is so used to it that they can't sleep in their own bed anymore
once when i was a little girl (probably 4ish) i went into my mom's room and told her that i was scared. she told me "if you wake me up again, i'll give you something to REALLY be scared of".
i was scarred. seriously, i was scarred. my relationship with my mother has never, ever been the same. i learned at that time, that my mom was not there to protect me, like i thought she was.
my children will be welcomed any time they are worried or uneasy. i will do my best to comfort them in any situation, no matter what. i'm on their team. i'm their provider. i'm their place for peace. the end. no discussion for me, whatsoever.
Well, I think I'm going to have to fall on the side of Tom on this one (though I'm kind of in between you both).
I think this whole "let the kid sleep with you" is some new-age idea that a) messes with the kid's ability to sleep on their own and b) messes with the parents ability to be together. I'd love to do some research and see if there is a correlation between parents who let their kids sleep with them and parents who get divorced after having kids.
I'm okay with kids hopping into bed in the morning to say hello to parents, but I'm not on the side of parents sleeping while kids play in bed. If they're going to hop in bed, everyone is going to be awake so there is a clear delineation about sleeping in mom and dad's bed. I think there needs to be clear boundaries.
I'm old school. Kids have their own bed. Parents have theirs. Don't mix it up. It won't help anyone.
All right, here is my 2 cents. I am learning this very quickly, because Don and I are stubborn extremists in thought. And unfortunately, opposite extremes with most things dealing with the how's and why's and where's of our future families. The best advice I can give you, which you won't want to hear, is just forget the whole issue until the day you actually have a teeny person jump up on your bed in the morning. At that point, 5 years from now, my guess is Tomsie won't be so harsh when the wee one looks wontingly at him to watch Dora. And, you will probably be much more able to say "Back to bed with you!" once it's happened so many times...But until then, forget it. It does no good because you both have 0 experience with your own little kiddies. That's the only advice that has made our marriage...doable at this point. ;) Oh what life would be like without opinions...
I wasn't able to leave my thoughts when I first read your post, and now that I am back, I have looked at others' thoughts. When I read your post, I was thinking most like Carolyn was saying. Don't worry about it, you might have your opinions now, but they will change.... DRAMATICALLY, as you raise one child, then two children, then the next, on to however many you have. With your first one you might feel one way, but with the second you may recognize their needs are different and so on with the others.
For myself, I would prefer it if my children would sleep in their own bed, and so does my husband. We both sleep much better without a child or two in our bed. Actually we both sleep terribly, but we sleep less terribly without kids in the bed. But as we have brought more little princesses into this world, we have been more desperate for sleep, any kind of sleep at all, so thus we have relented at our most weakest moments, (or at our most unconscious moments). Their have been morning when I wake up and see that one of the girls is in our bed and I lecture Dustin about letting her in and his reply is that he didn't remember letting her in. And I believe him! But like Carolyn said, this is a bridge to cross when you come to it.
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