Stretched

The past couple weeks I have been feeling a lot of pressure and stress and helplessness. I usually welcome challenges and am used to functioning and thriving under maxed out conditions, but lately I'm beginning to feel like one big maxed out condition myself, and I'm having a really hard time channeling my inner optimism. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just not doing good enough. I'm not meeting up to expectations. My best isn't good enough. I am starting to fret. On the bright side, maybe I'll loose a quick five pounds! Stress diets do have their benefits...

2011 is going to be a big year of change for me; I've been feeling it since January first. Change is good, but sometimes it's really hard. Life evolves, I know that, but I've become pretty comfortable with the way my life is and all the hard work it took to get to this place and I just want it to last a little bit longer.

There are some big career and education choices coming my way and while they're amazing opportunities they're also BIG. Big challenges, changes, and risks that I feel more than a little intimidated and unprepared about. I don't know what lies in store for my current job, but as the boys continue to get bigger (and smarter and cuter) my hours tend to get smaller. Just part of the nanny business, and not something I've struggled with before, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time figuring out what the best transitional move for me should be, if / when it comes to that. And it's coming to that very soon.

I'm hating church right now. I've been on strike for about a month. I love the gospel and I have a really strong testimony of its teachings, but I am in no way motivated to attend weekly meetings. I don't really like the new ward I've been moved into since the boundary change, and while I know it's not about the people it's about the word of God, I just don't get anything out of it when I go. It falls flat for me. It feels weird and unwelcoming and since I'm not really into the social scene right now I don't know many people and am not super prompted to get to know them either. I know its my own problem and a mind over matter thing, but I don't want to be there and so I'm not.

School is awesome, but very time consuming, costly, and draining. I'm continuing to do really well and it's definitely a priority I am happy to dedicate myself to but again, it's going to be changing. I'm starting to look at Universities and line things up for transferring. Highly anticipated dreams come in to play that I feel daunted and excited by and I can't help but question if I can really do it? It goes something like, "I know I can, but can I really?!"

My love life feels like it's on the brink of imploding all over my face and, of anything, that is the hardest. Somehow I really didn't see it coming. Or I just didn't want to. I'd really like to pretend and believe it's all going to be OK, but acting isn't my strong suit and faith seems not to be either. When two people love each other but the timing is off: that seems to be the recurring thesis in matters of my heart. I don't really know what to do or if I'm supposed to do anything. I feel like I've done everything and somehow it adds up to nothing. I hate that I can't control timing. I hate that I can't control minds. I hate that I can't control the future, or even sneak a peek. I hate that I can control myself and I sometimes choose not to. I hate being passionate and caring and optimistic about love. But I am. I'm a hopeless romantic. And I don't plan on changing that part. Love is pretty awesome; until it's not. And even then, I've never regretted it. However, I can't help but feel insecure, foolish, and a little worthless at the moment. I think that's natural though. Everyone feels like that when they're in a situation they can't control, and I am the Queen Bee of internalizing and personalizing when it's not even about me. I'm working on changing that.

I often don't understand how people can be in such denial when it comes to their kid's behaviors or needs, but I think I'm in denial about my own behaviors and needs. I have a pattern of putting what I want on hold because I'm afraid I'll never get it any way and I'd rather adjust and hope for the best than be alone. I've gotten so used to taking care of other people my whole life, being accommodating and adjusting, and not really expecting anything in return or sticking up for what I really want, that then when what I want finally does become pressing and important I feel stuck between logic and desire. I don't know how to put myself first without feeling immensely guilty for it. I'm a repeat offender on the idiot scale for sure, but I'm learning people, I promise. I'm just a slow learner.

Anyways, sorry about the downer-rant, I just feel stretched in every possible way and life is feeling kinda heavy at the moment. I know it'll be ok. I know I can handle anything. I know it's just a moment of suck and they come and they go. I just needed a release, so thanks for listening.